…can’t come to the phone right now.

January 7th, 2018

I didn’t allow myself to connect this. I think it was around her birthday, perhaps on the 12th, where I might have been driving into the 13th, I dropped my ‘iPhone’ that I had been using since dropping my Pixel.

Maybe I don’t connect it, but it broke then– the iPhone. It’s possible that it was 12/13, driving into 12/14 (but then again – possible? not really – it’s possible that I don’t remember, it can’t be both times…I just know that it was around some date significant to her, and in a way connected, as in, one day into the next, awake through the times…my days are kind of half one date and half the other, in the time I am awake).

I just got the Pixel fixed.

On the way into town – I was going to get it at a place that fixed it, called Batteries + Bulbs – I passed a truck with a license plate of 337 (numbers…I don’t remember the three letters), which I had previously associated with light. After this, I saw a truck waiting to enter the road, from another to the side of it, and I thought it might be a cop. I was going about 60 in a 55, having just gone perhaps 70. When the truck passed, at about the junction of 27 with 227, I saw that it was a conservation officer.

Racism

January 6th, 2018

I often see it from the perspective of seemingly much of the world (in the west). I consider that no matter what “damage” may be caused, that the correct path is to love, and be a great example for the future world, to mitigate whatever negative may come from sacrifice of identity, and some specific genetic type (what may come from mixing of races, for instance, such as the potential for lesser intelligence in offspring, than one parent-group, such as say Ashkenazi Jew, or Han Chinese, mixing with in some equal measure, Subsaharan African – these distinctions aren’t perfect; Subsaharan African can be many, where Ashkenazi Jew is a much narrower group).

I often think that no matter “truths”, of our differences, that saying them may be more damaging than just rolling with the punches, with the right idea in mind. That is, thinking of what we can do to improve, generally.

I often see it seemingly like others, and in the face of other racists, who I often find to be dumbasses (and often not…), I may defend the side that wants more tolerant attitudes. It isn’t that I am not, or that I am not for tolerance (and love), and it isn’t as if I choose to be “racist”, but sometimes, as ugly as it is, I think it’s kind of necessary.

I think most people are secret racists. It isn’t even that the races exist, absolutely. But there are clusters of very similar things, that co-developed, moreso than they developed cooperatively with others. It’s subtle. Even as a “racist”, I find it hard to really, completely distinguish, but there are differences that are meaningful between the so-called races, and I believe they do matter, if-even only because humans are weak and limited creatures and not always functioning with “perfection” (not to say God isn’t perfect). They’re often insecure. They seek to have their own voice heard, or hear it from another. Expressions are language, communicated through like-faces, more capable of communicating with like-faces. The shape just fits better…

Had a dream about a girl

January 6th, 2018

there was like a time in my life, that I didn’t remember, where I met her, and was with her for a time. I met her again, and remembered. I don’t remember the details of this dream. She had red wine, and it symbolized something. I forget. I remember there was a name, and I forget it.

I don’t know why I would try to connect this, but I did. I went to the grocery when I woke up, and I saw a girl I went to school with, with her daughter. I didn’t say anything to her. I have considered “pursuing” her, before. She is always dating someone, though, and honestly I don’t see much compatibility, for reasons. But I considered the seeing her after this dream, even though I don’t see any real connection.

Across the street, I got gas. While getting gas, ahead of me I saw a car pulling back toward me, out of it’s space. It’s plate was 385 and letters MGZ. The girl’s daughter is named Maggie, and I seem to recall her calling her “Mags”, in Facebook posts, so when I saw this directly after, I considered this. 385 is a number I have been finding focus on lately.

I don’t know. I just wanted to write.

385 I first “saw” with some consideration that I currently can remember inside a graphic in the shape of a butterfly. I have since made associations with multiple things, including fruit, to this number. The other night I went to Whole Foods, and a very “plump” female was at the register. She is new– this was the first I saw of her. She has red/orange hair, which is real, because you can see her eyebrows are also orange (and there are just phenotypical markers that go with being ginger…you can tell if someone has dyed their hair). As I stood there, waiting for my turn in the lane, I looked down and saw Taylor Swift’s ‘reputation’ album, as I was facing it. I used my gift-certificate that my parents gave me for the groceries, and then I saw, directly from processing ‘her’ – her album there in front of me, that the remainder that I owed after using the certificate was 11.10, and considered that this, 11/10 is the date that the album came out. Then I saw a multi-colored butterfly pendant  at the end of a necklace the girl (Alex) at the register was wearing.

I don’t really think this is anything that I might think. I don’t want to make judgments, though, either way. I don’t even know if what I am seeing or hearing or thinking or feeling is straight-forward. In-fact, it would seem I might be stupid at this point to think anything was straight-forward. My “judgement” is often reserved. I may love, but this is what I might consider, within the margins that make up my perception in this reality (?) – unconditional. But, no matter how “close” I feel sometimes, I understand things are not quite as they may seem, especially if I’ve made a conclusion, except for perhaps “love”. But this kind of love also lets go. Or at least, consciously, I try to. Admittedly, sometimes it’s a struggle. This world drags me in, and tempts me, no matter how I may resist.

I still have self-interest. I try to find that in alignment with what exists…

Fuck your “watchlist”

January 6th, 2018

Ha-ha. Fuck you.

I hope Jeff Sessions is shot

January 6th, 2018

or in some other way, his life is ended. I’ll take ousting him from power, though.

government

January 6th, 2018

I consider it kind of odd in ways that we even have countries as large as this one anymore. The fact that a “federal” government has so much power, seems tyrannical. It’s unnecessary. We should be able to cooperate for national defense, and have a certain kind of knitting between the states, but there should not be such a federal government that allows some fucking fuck like Jeff Sessions to influence the lives of countless people.

Frankly, it’s insulting.

X?

January 4th, 2018

New X-Files episode came out last night…

At my first stop on a shortened route (no furthest-away stop), Nashville, I read a sign while waiting to be let in, that said that guests are to wear masks to prevent spread of cold and flu. All of the nurses and CNAs were wearing masks, except one CNA I saw. The hallway doors were closed.

I always wear a respirator in this place, because they use scent-dispersal things. I commented to the CNA that let me in that “now I fit in”.

The last nurse I spoke to, and delivered to there was listening to music. In my mind I recognized it as “X Ambassadors”. The song was “Renegade”.

I just thought about this, considering “X”, for X-Files, having come across “X”, before. Hmm?

New 385

January 4th, 2018

Tonight I calculated that 385 seconds/minutes would be 6:25. “Six Twenty-Five” may also be June 25th. This is the date that the first Blade Runner came out, 14 days after my birth.

When calculated this, connecting it in my mind, I got a call from John- My coworker/dispatcher, which I at first ignored, and then didn’t want to do what he asked me if I could do, but then I changed my mind.

When I got to the destination, a song by a band called Cigarettes After Sex, “Apocalypse” was playing, and came to an end as I pulled into the space to park to take the drug to the nurse for the patient. Another song came on here, by St. Vincent, where she repeats (this is all I know right now) “Black hole blacker…”.

Something about this with the timing went together. I considered a very early association with the sound in the song, “Apocalypse”, it reminding me of Blade Runner, then finding that the first song on that album is a single letter, K.- Like the “name” of the blade runner in in Blade Runner 2049.

This pattern of numbers that I made has 6 numbers made with 25 equal segments. I had related this with Blade Runner, and also it coming out 14 days after I was born, 1 and 4 “inside” the other numbers, I considered.

 

2367 is also an address where I wrecked one night, going off road into a ravine, being caught by a tree, on my way back from a person with the last name Taylor’s, who I was dating at the time. And this wake-cycle for me, currently, 1/03 was the oldest girl-friend that I remember (not girlfriend, but girl-friend)’s birthday. Her last name was also this (Taylor).

But I had associated ‘Blade Runner’ with another “Taylor” – Swift, and I first focused on the number 385 in recent-memory through her – through finding the number associated with her, on a card. I also just remembered that on the way to pick up the drug for the patient tonight, the order for which was first communicated to me right after I calculated that 385 seconds/minutes would be 6:25, that when I got off on Emerson to go pick up the order, I saw a truck parked at perhaps it was a Target, with her name, Swift, on it, and the number that was shown as the range in my car was 147 there, which was the range when I had driven by 385 the night before, on the way back home (on the way there, a resonance, with “Hook”- Written about in another entry), along with being as well the ending numbers on the odometer, so the numbers matched, and then when I came back around to it, I saw this name that was again associated.

I found another way, relating with Taylor, or her name at least, that ’2367′ comes up. I had found that a gematria of the names of my immediate, core family could be 385, or 1024 full-Ordinal… I calculated the gematrias of names of my living family members, most-directly connected to me, which would be my mom and dad, brother and sister and their spouses, and children. But this isn’t very clean…There are more ways to include, or exclude.  But in some way, relating with her name…2367 may come at some specific point.

22:2 not 2:22 (last post)

January 3rd, 2018

thought?

January 3rd, 2018

http://acausal.net/blog/2017/12/31/thought/

In that ^ post (titled “thought”), I wrote about someone. She was the actress who plays Luv in Blade Runner 2049. Her last name, Hoeks, I also related with the word, “hooks”, myself. I thought that this is what it might be, before looking. Maybe so.

She said that she modeled her behavior, in some ways, off of Taylor Swift. I had previously associated her to this movie.

At 385W today, on the way to work, a song called “Eye” by The Smashing Pumpkins came to an end, and right after 385W, “Hook”, by Blues Traveler came on. So there was this resonance.

As I crossed by 385W, the DJ brought up the Sirius XMU App, and said something about not downloading any new apps in awhile, in kind of play– and to download this app. Taylor Swift recently released an app, and this was on my mind, somewhat. I thought about downloading it.

This was my first night back at work since Friday, so it was the first time I went through this process since writing.

Then at another ’385′ that I am aware of, near Nashville (address 385), IN, the time was 2:21. As I made an association of the 385th verse of Revelation being 22:1, if 405 verses are counted (22:2 for standard 404), I considered this as I saw the numbers.

I heard her once on the radio, coming on just as I was getting on the interstate 65 from Columbus, to go back to the pharmacy. The song was “Blank Space”. I was near Taylorsville at this time, and soon as I came to the exit, another song was on, after this one, by Rob Thomas, which was called “Hold On Forever”.