Archive for December 27th, 2017

even I – who “stalks”

Wednesday, December 27th, 2017

would feel like a slime-ball if I was somehow covertly monitoring someone who did not consent, unless it was somehow my job, like if I were a spy, and these people were threats to security of home. And I would not interact with those I stalked, just to terrorize them. you’re slime. go to hell.

Paranoid response?

Wednesday, December 27th, 2017

I looked at an image of someone who was at one time from Hendersonville, TN. I looked at another, who I have associated in ways with her (not as if they are the same people), and these two I often look at images of…

I said that I need to find new interests. Because it’s repetitive. See if they changed anything (that they are showing).

After this, I went to OKCupid, as they sent me a message recently, and somehow my account is working after they suspended it, for some reason. Before that, I had another email in some particular timing, that brought me back to it – to view the site; I had been off for years, although perhaps I looked every now and then over the time. Then it was suspended, and I gave up, because it’s not really what I want to do (“online dating”…), and I was frustrated with the difficulty– I didn’t think it was worth messing with, so I once-again put it aside, until they sent me a message, so again – in curiosity – I checked, again.

This time, there was a first choice to swipe left or right on someone, who was named Rose. I didn’t pay attention in the moment, and swiped left, although I was actually interested in seeing more of her, as her initial picture was interesting, and she seemed attractive. The second person it showed me I was not attracted to, and I may have been shaking my head still at the process, and why suddenly my account was not suspended (for whatever reason it was…before). I didn’t pay attention, but I thought that I saw that this person was from Hendersonville, TN. This is outside of the area that I was set to search in, and the “swipe” feature tends to only display people from near you, so this thought that this is what I saw, right before swiping left, has given me some confusion, and question. I don’t know if it’s what I saw, but the shape of what I have in my memory seems to match this.

That made me mad. I felt watched. I don’t understand why people suck so bad.

But maybe it’s just coincidence.

Tootsie was playing

Wednesday, December 27th, 2017

on TV – sometime before they ate / we opened presents. . .this was the only other movie that played that I remember – other than ‘The Polar Express’.

“Toot toot”.

Brandon – when he brought up The OA, related her with Christ, subtly. Or it seemed for a moment that that is where he was going. I consider this with different gender– how in Tootsie a man is dressed as a woman.

Beginning, about Star Wars, I joked to my brother repeating something that I had heard, where Laura Dern’s character in Star Wars has been called “Admiral Gender Studies”.

I forgot, also Christmas Vacation was on when I was leaving.

After writing last entry

Wednesday, December 27th, 2017

My family opened presents. There was insistence from my niece that I open her present first. It was a knitting of a snowflake (her idea, made by my sister-in-law).

She was picking/grabbing at her rear-end (she is very young) and was reprimanded for it– told not to, while we were opening presents. I noticed toward the end of opening that she was wearing a necklace with a pendant of a cat, that was made of a material that reminded me of crystal, as it was sparkly all-over. This – I think of the crystal “bottom” jewelry for cats that I saw, and wrote about, last post.

The last gift that I opened was a organic cotton corduroys from Patagonia. I noticed they were from Ventura, CA- Where the fire has been going on. Today I read it became the largest California fire in modern history.

It was the mother of a female who is named Isis that suggested what I got my mother. I’m attracted to Isis. I didn’t want to argue with the suggestion of her mother. My mother said that what-it-is probably smells (it’s a soap), and I wanted to believe it wouldn’t matter, because it’s natural, but I smelled it, and now I have a headache (the essential oils are probably not organic). Now I have to think of something else to get her, and to ask her not to use it, potentially (more testing, probably).


We took a family picture. This niece bent over with her butt facing me, very close to me. I don’t mean any of this pervertedly, although I have seen “perversion” (?) — There are positions and things that are vulnerable, and as an animal I was born with a basic skill-set, but my higher brain-functions ride a kind of beast (?), and learns. My mom soon after this accidentally hit my sex organ with her hand through my pants, as I was standing behind her and my dad, and my pants are loose. I went outside to start my car for work, then came back in, then went back out again to make sure the exhaust wasn’t flooding the inside of the car…Then came back in and went to get my belt from the washer, and as I was in this process, my nephew shot me in the butt with a toy gun, accidentally (I didn’t feel anything — he told me it hit me on my butt).

As we were opening gifts, and I was having a conversation with my brother-in-law, about a show called The OA (Original Angel), he talked about how it was spiritually layered in ways, and I thought about how she (the main character- I forget the name at the moment) was very forgiving, and didn’t strike back when attacked by a dog, and a guy who stabbed her with a pencil in her thigh. How she told them “it’s okay”, holding them, not striking them. I thought about this with “turning the other cheek”. I found some humor, or something used me for humor, in some attempt to…I had a voice- Perhaps it was my imagination, say, “he is the other cheek”, or “you are the other cheek”- I took it as me.