crazy

last night or early this morning an edible form of marijuana started to take effect on me. i had a kind of reflection of myself that was harder to deal with than most psychedelics that i’ve taken. where there might be a kind of acceptance at times with those, with this i tend to also have a lot of certain paranoia. the reflection was how pathetic i felt, and that i had a bloated self-image. part of this is linked to my writing on Facebook, and the feelings began around my hiding multiple posts. if i could mass-hide all my posts at this point i would, at least on my own feed.

my bloated self-image is tied to synchronicity, and perceived order around me. being completely honest, i see myself as some kind of confused ‘God’ of sorts. but not quite. special, anyway. having some identity with things, like how i attach to the fact that Timothy McVeigh was killed on my 19th birthday and was the only terrorist to have been executed by the United States Government, and that three months after an event happened (of terror) that I may be able to find “connections” with. there are numerical coincidences, and there is synchronicity in this of my mind and the things i perceive. but again, i am powerless, and this is not the image i really want to attach to.

i don’t know what to say, about it. all i know is is that i want to hide it now, for the most part. nobody cares. and i’m not sure what i expect, anyways, to share it. i don’t see, really, how it helps anyone, or is productive of anything. at best it may be some kind of announcement, perhaps, but if i were to announce…as glorious as it is, there is trouble with what it is, and the fact that my life is so pathetic in this.

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