Archive for December 17th, 2017


Sunday, December 17th, 2017

last night or early this morning an edible form of marijuana started to take effect on me. i had a kind of reflection of myself that was harder to deal with than most psychedelics that i’ve taken. where there might be a kind of acceptance at times with those, with this i tend to also have a lot of certain paranoia. the reflection was how pathetic i felt, and that i had a bloated self-image. part of this is linked to my writing on Facebook, and the feelings began around my hiding multiple posts. if i could mass-hide all my posts at this point i would, at least on my own feed.

my bloated self-image is tied to synchronicity, and perceived order around me. being completely honest, i see myself as some kind of confused ‘God’ of sorts. but not quite. special, anyway. having some identity with things, like how i attach to the fact that Timothy McVeigh was killed on my 19th birthday and was the only terrorist to have been executed by the United States Government, and that three months after an event happened (of terror) that I may be able to find “connections” with. there are numerical coincidences, and there is synchronicity in this of my mind and the things i perceive. but again, i am powerless, and this is not the image i really want to attach to.

i don’t know what to say, about it. all i know is is that i want to hide it now, for the most part. nobody cares. and i’m not sure what i expect, anyways, to share it. i don’t see, really, how it helps anyone, or is productive of anything. at best it may be some kind of announcement, perhaps, but if i were to announce…as glorious as it is, there is trouble with what it is, and the fact that my life is so pathetic in this.

a reality

Sunday, December 17th, 2017

My interactions with Muslims have not been friendly or positive, for the most part. There is always a clear feeling of not being one with them; They are in our lands, in our society, plugged into systems built by my ancestors (and robbed from them or their children now), but you can tell they operate distinct from, only using the environment, not really contributing or at least not as a priority contributing to it or it’s people. They just don’t seem very friendly, for the most part, that I have seen…except the Syrian gas-station attendant who I liked. Right. My experience is small, but largely, I see a separation. I don’t see friends, or people I am in cooperation with, or who want to cooperate with me unless it is for them/their people first. I see people who would easily throw us over the boat, or stone us, etc. They are not family. They are not friends.

a reality is that I haven’t felt like friends (or in a social system with) 3/4 Muslims I have had direct interactions with. there is always separation.

Another reality that occurred is that a Muslim went through a process of subletting my apartment, and was giving me confidence that he wanted it. I didn’t quite fully trust this, though, and quite honestly, when I found out he was from Tunisia I felt bad about helping him (I was paying for the rest of December, and covering the costs to get him in– he would have had to pay nothing until January 1st). I would much rather help someone closer to home. . .if you know what I mean. But I wasn’t very confident that he wouldn’t change his mind or try something, and of course, he tries to extort a months rent from me, in order to take over the lease (he wants me to pay for January). I would rather throw a month’s rent away than give it to this person, or more preferably, give it to someone “more close to home”.

So, my closest most personal interaction with a Muslim involves extortion. Go figure. There was also the dentist. He was different, and didn’t do a bad job. Not that that is expected. But there wasn’t a sense of being as one, at all, with him. They can’t be trusted, in the end. They should not be a part of our society because they never will be a part of our society, and their society basically sucks, so that’s not an option.

Get out.