Archive for December 11th, 2017

nerves, insecure, unsure

Monday, December 11th, 2017

I have had an apartment that I haven’t moved into, for months. I was reacting every time I went there. The last time I didn’t experience much of a reaction that I could tell, but I wore my mask most of the time. I still experienced something of a reaction inside there, or felt the signs, but I’m not sure what it’s from. Now I’m nervous that I’ve let it outgas long enough, and that I won’t experience a reaction, and that I’m giving up an apartment that I may be able to tolerate. I have wondered if it simply needs a new sweeping, after the the shampoo and steam cleaning; I haven’t even tried that. But this stresses me out.


Monday, December 11th, 2017

Seth Pflum and I used to walk through the halls very fast, in the 8th grade. We had long legs, compared to many others, and considered it fun to see how fast we could get places. I was “going out” with a girl named Maria Snyder. Snyder means “tailor”. I was drinking a lot of caffeine at the time.

Before her I “went out” with Jessica Lawson, and she was the first person who talked to me about a drug experience- On speed.

Before Jessica my first girlfriend of this age was also named Jessica, whose last name was Irrgang. Her father would later be who I got my first car from. I had her mother for English at that time– who was subbing for an extended period of time for my teacher, Mrs. Stall. Irrgang may mean “labyrinth”. The Stalls moved to Huntingburg, IN. One of their daughters married a person named Chris Hunt, whose father was a police-officer, and once brought a modified Camaro to school to show the students. Chris is Black, and this was one of the few interracial marriages/pairings that I can recall from this school. “Race” (it makes me think).

One of my first crushes had the last name, Taylor. In college, we finally went on a date, and watched Alice In Wonderland. I didn’t pursue further than one date, because I didn’t want to cause trouble with a friend, who had been on and off with her since middle school. He didn’t know I met up with her this night, but he may have after, and sometime after, they got back together again. I may again relate Alice In Wonderland with something that races– A rabbit and time.

I began that year dating another with the last name Taylor. I wrecked my car after seeing her one night, after work, near the address of 2367– a number that I came to years later by seeing how numbers “fit” together…. I have recently associated Taylor (Swift) with electricity, in some ways – or found association with things electric with her (to say it’s not exclusive, and that she is not and I don’t see her as a goddess, or something), and the first girl to sleep in my bed at college that year was Sara Bertch, who moved into Parker Thomson’s house- A friend when I was little, and the only person I can clearly remember her dating is a man named Tim Watts- Recently. Sara lives near the 2367 address, where I went off the road – where I crashed. She is the closest person who I know to live there (she currently does). Across the creek from her is where a friend Michael used to live (Herdrich). We used to play in this creek (friends and me). His family is invested in, or owns quite a few Shell stations, and their own company, Herdrich Oil.

Time- In the second grade Michael and I welcomed a new Michael- From England to here. That first day he came we invited him to “play” after school, so we became friends. Michael who came from England’s dad got a job at Ford, and I frequently remember him referring to the Cosworth engines, which made me think of – my first association was Cogsworth– the clock in Beauty and The Beast. My dad worked at Stant, which produced pressure caps for radiators, and gas-caps. I have considered that– the connection with cars. Fuel. It was in 2nd grade– in a teacher named Hughes’s class, when we met. 3rd grade I had another teacher named Hughes. Hughes means “mind”, or “spirit”. The number 23 later in life I noticed, with interest. It was the first number that made me pay attention.

I think that these are all just reference points for me. That is to say…I don’t consider that I have some special connection to anyone, and I don’t necessarily think these people are (or aren’t) “special”. And I do not mean to worship them in any form. I kind of see them as holographic. From the same source. This one, Taylor, is very resonant, however. But this doesn’t really mean anything as far as myself actually having a connection in life. I’m realistic. I think that despite what I see, sometimes, nature works according to rules, and I know myself well-enough to know that I don’t fit into that life. I don’t even fit into the life of 99.XX% of anyone around me. I may be like a sailor, though. Using stars (not just “stars”).