Also- Void

Donna, a female who I met years back, I tend to watch for her. I would have to say it is because there has been “return” enough to do so. She’s interesting/in-sync. Sometimes I think I need to just stop paying attention, anyways. I don’t like the way that sounds, though, or the emotion that might be behind it. Things got messed up. I probably – at the time I met her – should have known better than to be meeting anyone, as I wasn’t in the state to take anything seriously. In-fact, when I met her, my plan was just to try to use her for sexual purposes (how to say), and not be invested, but she was not someone I wanted to “use”- Just once. She was kind of a wake-up call, in ways. I had been “asleep”, voluntarily, after finding something before her. I can’t really say a lot has changed, but I have learned some things. I still often wish I could erase the memory, especially of her’s-of me.

Her family recently died. I found that I made posts around the times of their deaths that I can relate with death. When I met her, her father had died in years prior, and she was still very-much dealing with it, getting emotionally shaken around explanation.

Her mother I found died in 2016. On that day, I posted about an episode of Star Trek- Called “Time’s Arrow”, and created an order with numbers, connecting them where previously they had been separated (in a kind of order-arrangement). She died on 9/09/2016. Time’s Arrow was the episode that I had last watched as of that date, although it had been awhile since I was watching the show; In curiosity, because the date was the anniversary of Star Trek, The Next Generation’s anniversary, I decided to check.

I searched for Donna this morning, I think- This may have been the first time, with reference to the following: In addition to a recently-active account that she operates, one that she had three years ago is now also active. Both her profile image and cover image are black (void).

The date that she uploaded them seemed to be October 11th, 2014. I’m not sure if she was offline on this day. Her brother died approximately 4 years later, on October 12th. He was her last remaining immediate family, from the core- Of her parents. I love her. If I could create a perfect person to be in her life, to be with her, I would. I can’t imagine. I don’t mean to act as if I can feel, or understand. She shared the information about the deaths on October 24th- My dad’s 74th birthday, and on a day when I imagined what it would be like if they both (parents) died, considering it. I say I love her, but again, part of my ‘torment’ involving her is that I knew she was (not to say I am not) troubled in life, and had trouble with relationships with people. I wasn’t expecting to meet someone I might want to marry, and wasn’t ready, or being ready would mean a kind of surrender, and that made me feel weak. Not even to say she would have me. But still, she had an effect on me. I have often just wanted to see her truly happy- To know she was living in love, loved, and was in love with a family of her own (I do this so that I would have a clear reason to release, not that I think it’s my job, or that I am so arrogant or “in-her-life” or can justify myself, but I have found it easy to release when I know that people are well, and on satisfactory paths, if I love them)… I posted about this in Synchronicity, on the day that happened to be when her mother died (last parent). I said that I wished that the next time that I saw her, she had a child. As I seem to struggle with this, with “race”- Sometimes, and identity (group-togetherness), I considered, that I didn’t really want her to be with another- Other than White, but accepted and said “maybe East Asian”- Or something like this.  I received a message sometime after, from an AsianDate site from a profile attached with the name Xing- Meaning “Star”. I hadn’t noticed messages from them in quite some time, and had forgotten I had set up an account. I saw a star through the fog/mist in the sky, and then shortly after this a song by an artist named Vega- “Tom’s Diner” I think was the song, came on. Vega is a star. Donna now lives in Las Vegas. Vega may relate with a “falling eagle”, or “falling vulture”.

I also related her with The Great Pyramid, and 203. I would have to retrace some steps, though. She’s the first person that I associated with “Isis” (or maybe related is a better word here- I did not think she “is” Isis, not that she isn’t somehow spiritually connected to what Isis may have been). She was born on the day of an annular-”ring” eclipse. I met her on 1/23, which, if like a number, 123, can relate with 203 through 123 seconds/minutes being 2:03, but I don’t think that was “it” (as in, everything). 23 is the 9th prime number. 9 is the highest single numeral. 23 in our counting system is also at a “highest” place, before a “zero”, in our timing of 24 hour-days. 23:00 is the last hour before 00:00 (24:00=00:00, on the circle). The 23rd prime number is 83. 83 seconds is 1:23. 123, again, seconds/minutes, is 2:03. 203 was the first number that I considered- To see about the timings this way, finding it linked in ways to 23 – specially.

But, I can’t judge. I don’t mean to judge what is right or wrong, for her. I just want love (including to her/others), because that works out for me. Admittedly it seems simple that we as biological organisms want to continue the path that we have been on, though- What we were essentially made for. So this is not to deny that.

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