sin says

my voices sometimes mention “attention deficit”. actually this is often. or that’s what i .. that’s what i think i hear from them. or fits it? surely, i don’t pay attention to a lot of things. but this drives me a little mad sometimes, to hear this, repeatedly.

i often hope that i die. especially when what happens- that happened yesterday (for me, it was wednesday night specifically/thursday morning at 12:30-ish), happens. these are chemicals that really RUIN me. i can be in a relatively good mood. somewhat high spirits, and on an up and up, so to speak. then i breath a certain chemical, such as certain air fresheners, and then it feels like my skin is coated with something, and my mouth has a coating, and it feels like a lot of vice grips in different parts of my head. i might also get gas. most air fresheners don’t do this. i complain about all of them, but certain ones REALLY knock me down, for over 24 hours. and today that happened. and i cursed everything. i hated everything. in part, because of the line of synchronicity that i was following (if it can be called that, if it was even real, if i wasn’t just shoehorning everything) seems to fit what happened. it’s almost like it was set up by God, just to knock me down. like i was brought to a high place to be dropped. this makes me wish for absolute death. this makes me never want an afterlife- of any sort…It makes it seem like an absurd wish, to sense ANYTHING.

i have connected the word “scent” and “sense/senses” with “sins”, in the past. And “scent”, i’ve written to test it, as “sint”. sin, to the t- the cross. sint. and i’ve related this with certain spiritual seekers, who have deprived themselves of the senses, in various forms. how Neo in The Matrix is taught blindfolded, then loses his eyes. perhaps. but today, it meant not listening to music. that was my rebellion. part of it.

i just don’t understand… why….

why is my life hard in such stupid ways? again, i would argue FOR having the sint sensitivities, because what i react to usually isn’t the good things, and they would be fine, if only people would stop using these products, that are really no good anyways. to me it’s absurd that they’re even sold. in essence, you’re ingesting the products, and i highly doubt the FDA has “approved” the ingredients for ingestion. certain children are allergic even to dust from peanuts/peanut ingredients cooking in the air. in schools, they make arrangements for this. why- oh why, are these other things allowed? cancer causing, hormone disrupting, nerve deadening … massive amounts of … chemicals.

that’s about the only way i can really make meaning of this. SINT. SINSES sinsays and talk-sins toxsins toxins. stingers. shocks. bell-ringers.

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