Archive for October, 2016

high-low, icy hot

Friday, October 28th, 2016

I was “riding high”. Multiple days, I was finding “connections” in people, and things. Honestly, I hadn’t hit a low like I hit after, for some time. At that point I cursed my very existence- in some way. I didn’t want to exist, and I told God I hated it/him/her for whatever it had done- for whatever it had put in my path to knock me down. This was a certain air-freshener, at a facility that I deliver to. Most air fresheners I am sensitive to, but I don’t feel “sick” on the level that this one effects me on. This one-I think, has nerve deadening agents in it. I feel like my mucous membranes are coated/blocked. There is a strange sensation from it, and a burning, and then I feel like my head is in various little vice grips, within and around it. Vice grip maybe not, but there is pain. Clusters of pain. Points. The pain extended into the next day, and I can still feel the effects of it today, to some degree. I know I’ve been assaulted. That facility has been told before not to use this product, but for some reason, they did again. I’m thinking that a maintenance man didn’t get the message, and was just going through a monthly round of sorts. Whatever the chemicals are in it, aren’t good for anyone. I’m highly sensitive to them, but who- really, needs, these things? I’d rather smell all the putrid smells a body can make than suffer from these things.

Right, so I was really angry, at nobody else other than God. I didn’t give the humans enough credit to have control. It isn’t that I consider humans so awesome or anything…But I don’t think they really have much “free will”, if any. I am not sure about that. I considered that especially in this timing, when I read a name that looked like “Golem Fall” matching a number (111, his room number, at Bell) that had come in alignment with a time of 1:11 a night before as the range my vehicle had left in the tank, and mileage of 361,361, and then that night when I saw Golem Fall and 111 range a song that was a song I recognize from Terminator 2- The Terminator being a “Golem”, and the range was 111- as I said, and odometer now 361,631 (rearrangement)- after that song, the songs changed, and I didn’t really care to hear them, and my mood fell, and then the next night, well, I fell. That’s when I ran into the fragrance. I recognized it immediately and held my breath, but it was too late. The reaction had already started.

That night that the fragrance attacked my senses sinses sin sez ummmmmmmmm, my first delivery was out of the ordinary, as at first I had only had to take Brown County’s facility, because the other two of mine didn’t go. This is out of the ordinary as well, and the night before, with Golem Fall 111, I had taken only the other two (and the night after only Brown, I again took the other two only– So it was a reversal both times). But I decided to take one for a co-worker, since I only had Brown the one night. This run went to a new facility in Morristown. The nurse there said aloud “11:15″, as the time, and I had just been focused on a girl with a birthday of 11/15, so this clicked with something. As I had parked there, as well, I parked in a certain timing with a song’s ending, but that is not exactly completely rare (it’s nice when it happens, to see it, to be in sync’).

I don’t know what time I got to Brown County that night. Or the range, or anything. I was avoiding Halloween music much of the way, taking a new road. I don’t really care for it. I don’t really care for Halloween anymore. I don’t dress up, but that’s not the issue. I just don’t care for the goofy music. Sorry. I like genuine music that touches all bases, or can be heard any time…Not just “fun” music about monsters and zombies and whatnot.

But then there was that thing I am pretty much most afraid of, much of the time. And one of the worst.

That night, I began watching a show, as I was done with the “higher-level functioning”/fantastic connections. The show was Glitch. It’s about people coming back to life, crawling from their graves–but they aren’t zombies. I noticed the number 911 in it, as the first plate number shown. Each plate had three letters (which I haven’t paid a lot of attention to). But this cop parked at the graveyard, with this plate. Then, a person named Eilisha parked, soon after- She was a doctor. Already, I had “made a connection”- although, I still only call this coincidental. Eilisha sounds like Alisha- and it is a form/variant of the name, I am thinking (I might be wrong). “My” Alisha, I had connected with 9/11. I have connected her with it, and her name-sum itself, her maiden name can sum to 156, which can be 911 if seen as the number of a prime-(how to say…) the 156th Prime number is 911.

The cop wasn’t in a relationship with Eilisha, but the coming so closely stood out. And the close relationship of the two. Her plate was 415.

The cop’s deceased wife crawled out of the ground, and Eilisha found her. Her name was Kate. Now he had a wife named Sara. These three names, Katie was my first girlfriend (as a semi-adult, taking seriously things more), Sara was my second, and Alisha was my third.

Again, I only consider it coincidence. I haven’t made any direct connections. And the timing, I wasn’t in a “connecting” mood (I wanted to die).

That next morning, violence broke out at a protest that the girl is involved with/making awareness for the cause, and 11:15 was mentioned in the news article that I saw. 11:15, like her birthday- the one girl. I had been finding “Syncs” with her. The chemical assault was resonant in theme/principle with people being sprayed with chemicals, and the potential threat that the oil-pipeline brings to the area–why they are protesting. This is coincidence. I am not sure what else. Certainly, I identify. And I agree that we need to stop with the madness of … dependence on oil. Especially when we’re having to fucking frack and shit to get it.

whatever they are

Friday, October 28th, 2016

they love to fish.

they use pretty ladies as bait.

it isn’t that i don’t get something, but eventually i die from it.
some deaths aren’t as bad as others.

sin says

Friday, October 28th, 2016

my voices sometimes mention “attention deficit”. actually this is often. or that’s what i .. that’s what i think i hear from them. or fits it? surely, i don’t pay attention to a lot of things. but this drives me a little mad sometimes, to hear this, repeatedly.

i often hope that i die. especially when what happens- that happened yesterday (for me, it was wednesday night specifically/thursday morning at 12:30-ish), happens. these are chemicals that really RUIN me. i can be in a relatively good mood. somewhat high spirits, and on an up and up, so to speak. then i breath a certain chemical, such as certain air fresheners, and then it feels like my skin is coated with something, and my mouth has a coating, and it feels like a lot of vice grips in different parts of my head. i might also get gas. most air fresheners don’t do this. i complain about all of them, but certain ones REALLY knock me down, for over 24 hours. and today that happened. and i cursed everything. i hated everything. in part, because of the line of synchronicity that i was following (if it can be called that, if it was even real, if i wasn’t just shoehorning everything) seems to fit what happened. it’s almost like it was set up by God, just to knock me down. like i was brought to a high place to be dropped. this makes me wish for absolute death. this makes me never want an afterlife- of any sort…It makes it seem like an absurd wish, to sense ANYTHING.

i have connected the word “scent” and “sense/senses” with “sins”, in the past. And “scent”, i’ve written to test it, as “sint”. sin, to the t- the cross. sint. and i’ve related this with certain spiritual seekers, who have deprived themselves of the senses, in various forms. how Neo in The Matrix is taught blindfolded, then loses his eyes. perhaps. but today, it meant not listening to music. that was my rebellion. part of it.

i just don’t understand… why….

why is my life hard in such stupid ways? again, i would argue FOR having the sint sensitivities, because what i react to usually isn’t the good things, and they would be fine, if only people would stop using these products, that are really no good anyways. to me it’s absurd that they’re even sold. in essence, you’re ingesting the products, and i highly doubt the FDA has “approved” the ingredients for ingestion. certain children are allergic even to dust from peanuts/peanut ingredients cooking in the air. in schools, they make arrangements for this. why- oh why, are these other things allowed? cancer causing, hormone disrupting, nerve deadening … massive amounts of … chemicals.

that’s about the only way i can really make meaning of this. SINT. SINSES sinsays and talk-sins toxsins toxins. stingers. shocks. bell-ringers.

Depression

Thursday, October 27th, 2016

I have a feeling that I need to commit suicide.

10/23

Monday, October 24th, 2016

By my view, I paid attention to Zena Lotus Grey through the band Tool, when I looked into her father’s-Alex Grey’s work after he collaborated with the band, Tool, who I listened to. I listened to Tool-introduced by my friend Ryan Boulware, who I went to a Nine Inch Nails concert with, asking him from a connection in Mr. Glowacki’s class-Our media teacher in High School, and he said yes, and was excited because A Perfect Circle was to be there, a new band by Maynard James Keenan of Tool, who he liked- who I had yet to get into. I got into Nine Inch Nails, from my memory, as my brother suggested them to me after I listened to Gravity Kills, and God Lives Underwater. I think my brother also exposed me to God Lives Underwater. Perhaps I also liked Depeche Mode, before, so electronic music may have spurred associations to Nine Inch Nails. I do remember hearing Nine Inch Nails before, however, as my sister really liked the song, “Hurt”, and I remember hearing it multiple times.

At that first Nine Inch Nails concert I began smoking cigarettes. I think I smoked two packs by myself when there, and I liked the way my voice sounded after (raspy and cool), so I continued smoking. I also drank vodka. I remember Ryan got sick, and we met some military girls after the concert, where they spent time with us in my car.

Anyways, so there is a summary of how I became exposed.

I had a certain attraction to Zena. There has been, well, coincidences of number, and relevant association, that has kept it going. I don’t want to get into that now, but her birthday, 11/15, has been one fact that has been of importance. Currently, for one very small example of something relative, she works at a place called Cinefamily, where the address is 611, which is like my birthday, 6/11.

Skipping over a lot of details, I need to step back, before I became aware of her–I was dating or involved with a girl named Alisha. She had my mother’s maiden name. I sought after her for many years. I asked her to marry me, and it probably could have happened, as her response was positive, but it was complicated, and that didn’t happen. I noticed Zena while in this involvement.

Alisha’s last name is the same as my mother’s last name, or her maiden name was, Finch. Zena’s middle name, Lotus, is the first community-name outside of Liberty, where my mother is from, on 27-on the way to where I was born, Oxford. My mom began her labor in Liberty, and I was born in Oxford. Honestly, I feel I’m butchering this story, but I really just want to get to what I meant to talk about with this post.

So perhaps I’ll get there:

In later years, after attention was focused on others, I noticed that another actress who is prominent/in the spotlight (glow…), Shailene Woodly also has a birthday of 11/15. I wasn’t specifically attracted to her, as in, I hadn’t in a psychotic manner, like perhaps I had with Zena, observed and had fantasy about her, or entertained the idea of some destiny with her, where we were to be together. I didn’t consider he unattractive, but just hadn’t really considered her that way. She was just an actress. Just a human. Her hair wasn’t RED. But, I allowed myself to investigate more about her, and consider her on a more human-personal level, as in, “this person is alive, breathing, and lovely, and meaningful”–I don’t know what words to use here. As I drove one night, I “sent love”, as I found it for her, and in that same instant where I was looking, when I felt that love, which was true (though not attached/it was “unconditional”, and recognition of her), I saw a meteor break up in the atmosphere/I saw a “falling star”. It was just an instant of coincidence, with a charged emotion/love for another. Another time I remember being in perfect timing with a “falling star”, and making such a “connection”, I was tripping on 2C-D on the golf course, and felt watched. I heard voices, while hiding in the shadow of a tree. I was extremely tense/anxious. In a moment, my tension sent my head upward toward the sky and I met a falling star, where I heard a tiny voice say “did he see us?!”. Then I went home and there was a special on about aliens, on CNN…
Anyways… No, I’ll detail that. I remember something specifically about the show: The person talking said that if there are “extra-terrestrial intelligences, where are they?”–It was something like that, and in that moment where he asked where they were, a big gust of wind almost blew him over, which in that state of mind, the synchronicity of it, I considered the “extra-terrestrial intelligence” to be kind of of things, interwoven, a spirit within it, or something. Extra-terrestrial just means “above ground”, after all. It was somewhat humorous. Playful. I don’t really know. But, perhaps it’s all “intelligent”. Perhaps we’re in intelligence.

I don’t mean to get ahead of myself, or be disrespectful to my experience, or to God, or “them”, or “it”, or you. Sometimes this is hard to share. To communicate everything. And, I know I’m impatient. I want it done. I want to transfer the message. To share.

Again, I leave a ton out.

Alisha had a similar experience, talking with her sister on a roof-top in Germany. She never saw shooting stars, she said, and I always told her on the phone that I saw them, perhaps talking to her at the time outdoors, at home or at work. She never saw them- perhaps just never took the time to look at the sky long enough/to be able to observe. The first time she saw one she had just mentioned to her sister about how I always saw them, or, perhaps she was just mentioning me/talking of me.

Alisha married a guy named Kody, and due to her presence in a kind of pattern that I found, and perhaps “code”, I have associated this with Code. Her now last name is a name that is found in a town only outside of the town I was born in. I have found reflections in things. Now in Alisha’s Facebook profile, which is the one way I get to keep up with her, somewhat, being able to observe a few pictures (it isn’t that I couldn’t say hey, or that we hate each other-at all, I just stopped communication with her to let her go), the one number that she wears is 97. Previously, the pattern she was/is involved with in my life I had observed numbers with, that were resonant to me. 97 I later connected to Shailene Woodley, as this is a numerology of her full name, Shailene Dianne Woodley.

Recently I investigated my arrests in life/reflecting on them, and perhaps pattern/order in them, and that same day, I found out that Shailene had been arrested. This sparked renewed interest in her. She was arrested protesting a gas pipeline in North Dakota, the Dakota Access Pipeline. I had also just hurt my back, and I associated her with an “injury” of scoliosis, prior, as she had/has this, and had to wear a brace. The brace/support I also associated with, as I have had to wear a kind of support mechanism, or did, for my jaw, to realign my bite (but this was somewhat in error…), around the time I was more actively involved with Alisha.

I have been noticing some synchronicity, as well, after. For example, the next video she posted, after I made this awareness of her again, was 2:29 long, which is a number, as 229, that I associate with my name, numerologically. In it, she tells people to pray, and says “God or a tree”, and myself, with my God complex of sorts, I’ve been talking about trees…I began before recent awareness of her. “Wood”- also. Just before recent renewed interest in her, I had been writing about the Yew tree, and how Odin is said to have hung from a Yew, and how the first girl that I kissed had a last name that means Yew, and a dream I had that I years after-the-fact saw resonance with the story of Odin falling out of the tree, seeing runes, and one meaning of rune means “affectionate love”, which was the meaning of the last symbol that I saw before waking up, that I wanted to share. I had had no classical education, or understanding prior, consciously, of this myth of Odin, and the tree/language.

Her last name- “Woodley”, and her coming in timing, as well resonates.
Perhaps this deserves all the detail that I have seen. It does, but I’m trying to get to what happened just recently, why I wanted to share here. This has all been context.

97 is the only number that Alisha wears that is clear. This is a number I have associated with Shailene Woodley’s name, as it is numerology of it. Alisha saw a shooting star when she was talking about me. It was the first one she saw. Alisha is the only person I asked to marry me, in life, though it’s complicated. She also had my mom’s maiden name, and now has a name that is only in a town-name found just outside of where I was born (Darrtown, OH– I was born in Oxford, next to it). The one time I made a connection in such a way to a falling star/flashes of light in the night sky like that/sparks like Alisha did to me was when I said I loved Shailene, at the same time. -A “magic moment”.

We celebrated my dad’s birthday yesterday, 10/23. he is 74. As I passed exit 97 on I-65, which is just outside-south of Indianapolis/Greenwood, I saw that the numbers in my car read, on the odometer, as 3611137, and the range was 321. To be quick, 1/137 is a number that is associated with the fine structure constant in physics, and another quick association that I have to that is that the exit for my home-town, Connersville, is 137 on I-70, for Indiana 1 (1/137), but, getting back to it, 321, the car next to me/with me as I passed 97-The Worthsville Rd exit on I-65 had a license plate that read “SMOOTH1″, which went along with “You’ve got the moves”, as I saw it- the lyrics from a song called “New Song”, by Warpaint. Above the exit, on the road I saw a truck that said “Navajo”, which I associated with her associating with Native Americans, as the pipeline cuts through their reservation land, and her activism. Navajo Warrior/code talkers, there may be associations with, as well. After SMOOTH1, which was on a Kia Soul-I noticed, a car somewhat ahead and that I saw after the exit had a plate with numbers/letters of 123SBL. I had just seen 321 before Smooth, then next, 123, around this exit with a number that I associated with her- Worthsville Rd/97. And after, the first car that I approached, and came to-behind was a Tesla, which with resonance with her protesting gas pipelines, was resonant. A song came on called Ceremony, after this, and I had just heard her, in the video that was 2:29 long, mention “Ceremony” multiple times, so I associated it with her.

I didn’t capture the 123SBL plate, and don’t remember the make/model of the car, nor did I picture the Tesla. I think there may have been too much going on to safely/smoothly do it.

This wasn’t the end of it. I don’t mean to imply that synchronicity ever really ends (or that I am always seeing it like this, but, sometimes it is as if everything is “frozen” in time, and I am finding my thoughts/energy “reflected”, or with, when I pay attention). Not that I make any of it, that I am aware of, but I am not sure of my nature/nature, absolutely.

“hand shrug I don’t know emoticon reset to 0 end post end preconceptions end talking silent”

It smelled like sulphur

Wednesday, October 19th, 2016

When I left for work, outside it smelled like sulphur, I thought. Perhaps not.

It was extraordinarily dark in the parking lot. One of the big lights was out– all of them on the pole.

The first song that was on ended down the road a little. It was called “Dark In The Light” from what the DJ said. I didn’t really feel like listening to the music that was on, so much, but resisted changing the channel. I like the DJ and what he plays sometimes. I stayed with it and the last song in his set- the number one on his countdown was called Event Horizon.

I have wondered if I’m in hell before, but that would be going on certain preconceptions, and from what I’ve gathered, it still doesn’t matter. And from what I’ve considered, all of the clues that might say I’m in “hell”, well, they go back to my birth. And I can’t remember what I did to get here, so, I don’t really think this is hell. But it certainly isn’t heaven. Perhaps we get slices of it, and slices of hell, here. But I don’t know if I believe in hell. It doesn’t make sense, considering what seem to perceive about nature….That is, that most of us are basically automatons. That I am. There ris no “self” to punish.

On the other hand, perhaps we are processors of spirit. And spirit… Has to .. the wrong has to be solves. The problem has to be solved. The issues. And what isn’t solved keeps … Going… Until it’s purified. ??? But it isnt as if “we” go to hell, so directly. But, I guess, we are all this energy, it becomes us… And it would be good to not send our energy to “hell”, if possible.