Archive for June, 2016

i made excuses for her, and for me

Monday, June 20th, 2016

for me, i made them because i was well intentioned, but fearful.
for her, i made them because she was mean.

Feelings

Wednesday, June 15th, 2016

are why I’m this way right now. I use a lot of energy blocking certain things. It’s true that I don’t feel the connection that I used to, to people. It might be because I block things, but I know some of it, at least, is that certain things have been shed.

but I know I misinterpret things, probably due to lack of energy. Love is hard to define. You can love someone, and know that they, at least currently, are not right for them/you are not right to be with them. In confusion of interpreting this, with low energy (or whatever pain/etc might cause), I might somehow process in undesirable ways… But in the end I do choose love. But that doesn’t mean that I am .. a part of anything. I may be, but it’s complicated.

Anyway, I had someone on my mind. I wrote about love, and how I didn’t feel it. And how I didn’t know people. I felt no connection. When I wrote about love, she is now gone from view. I just find that interesting. If she asked for it, she would have it. She doesn’t have to ask, but I’d feel more comfortable giving it if she asked. But that doesn’t mean that I want a romantic relationship with her. I don’t even really know her, and I can’t say I’m not troubled by certain things with her (but more with me). But the kind of love isn’t, necessarily, special. It’s just love. If Josie, at Whole Foods, asked me to love her, I would find it easy to, and with her, the same ways– It doesn’t mean I need romantic involvement. This doesn’t mean I’m perfect, or don’t feel jealous, or envious. I just know what’s right, and what is wrong.

No, actually, thank you for clarifying

Wednesday, June 15th, 2016

I used

Wednesday, June 15th, 2016

…to feel connections to people. Like I knew them. Now I don’t.

Love? ?? I guess. It’s a word. I try sometimes (sometimes more than others). It’s a choice, and an action.

I guess I do feel some connection. But not like I thought I did. When I see the face of an ex, I don’t remember why… Not to mean disrespect for her. I just didn’t really know her. And others.

I’ve been angry

Saturday, June 4th, 2016

My mood has been bad. Pain probably (does) have a lot to do with it. And my disability. Some people with what I have, although worse, probably, live on disability. I seem to hide a lot. I work five days a week, and try to avoid exposure to chemicals that offend me. It rarely fully works. I get really angry, and go so far as to curse existence and God itself.

When it comes to day – I work at night – I try to hide. Perhaps that’s why I have found such a job in the first place, where I work at night/early morning, and don’t have to deal with the world, and other people. Some place where it takes less to hide my pain/irritation.

I often welcome the thought of ending/death. I often don’t understand why people are so desperate to hold onto life.

Sometimes I think that I was given this life, where I’m in pain, to allow me to let go of it. But I don’t know. Given by whom? What? Why?

I’ve been critical. In so many ways I’m ugly. Damaged. Beyond repair, in so many ways. But what I mean by critical, is of the world. Of others. Of myself too. Of course.

Some damage has been given. Some I tend to accept, and even give myself. “Fuck it”. Ultimately I’m desperate.

Sometimes I believe in God. One that I can relate to as a kind of entity. A consciousness, or some kind of director. Someone who watches over me, and has a plan, and judges me. I know I must be in error, to some degree. And I always reject that. I resent the situation I’ve been put in, where I am so weak, how I am. But when I think about it, it’s as if something tells me that it needs to happen. But I’m so fucked. Death will be good. If I’ll be punished more, and if it is someone doing it, to me, they can go fuck themselves. But I’m lost. I tell it to let go. I talk down at it that it exists at all. I’m desperate. So is it… ?

Fuck.

I certainly could stand to change habit.