i am troubled

i know that that is basically why i’m here.

but i’m troubled over her. but is that fair, to her? i wouldn’t wish that for her.

i have a reaction to her. head over heels, and i go crazy.

but again, is that fair?

if she is aware, i wish she wasn’t. because i can’t do anything about it (right now).

the best thing i could have done is love, in regard to her. i tried. i got insecure, even if my intentions weren’t “selfish” or wrong. she’s taught me to let go of pretty much everything but her. almost sometimes her. sometimes it’s like i test that there is something that just masquerades as “her”, or uses her, as it uses the world. or i think (when i say, “i test”). but have no idea.

i don’t know if she is real. sometimes i’ve considered, when i’ve thought about things, that it seems more likely that people other than me don’t really even exist, and that i’m also not what i think i am. it just doesn’t make sense that they would, or that i would exist like this, i test…

but the mode of operation would remain love. that’s for me. and when i say i wish i could be forgotten, perhaps that’s self-sacrificial, but it’s still for me. because it’s hard to live like this.

i apologize if you see this.

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