Archive for April, 2016

had a dream

Monday, April 25th, 2016

i was flying a jet, dogfighting. it was like a game of battlefield, but extremely immersive, and big. i seemed to be a good pilot, unlike the actual game. i could hear a lot of breathing. in the game you can hear breathing, but in this it was like i could really feel it. my lungs felt very present.

just before sleep i had anxiety that i had breathed in silica dust, from a supplement that i opened the capsule of, and poured out on my tongue. i was careful not to, but i still feared it. silica can cause issues with the lungs, but i think that is mainly crystal silica, where the kind in supplements isn’t as harmful, it being amorphous silica. it’s still not good to breath, but not nearly as bad. i also was probably exposed to far more silica when mixing cement working at a fence company, as they didn’t have us wear masks.

i tend to get anxiety when it comes to my lungs. i had asthma when i was younger, and my grandfather had emphysema, and dad has asthma- yet still smokes cigarettes. when i get anxiety i get shortness of breath. i value breathing, as long as i’m alive.

Price, Hartman

Sunday, April 24th, 2016

Last night I took a route for a guy who wanted the night off. It was local, so it didn’t take long. I accidentally took a tote for a stop on another guy’s route, that is also local, but it was only a few miles from the last stop I made on my route, so it worked out. I made the mistake because the wing that the order went to was called Cherished Memories (Memory-Care units), which is also the name of a wing on the route that I take. I got a call from John-My dispatcher, asking me if I could take another run after my route, down in Greenwood. I said I would take it, but I wasn’t planning on doing more than the route. The order was for medications for a guy named Richard Price.

I talked to John, and got that order on the way to drop off the extra tote of medication, that I picked up accidentally. It went to a place called Copper Trace. I had got the order, and Price resonated, even though I might resist. Donna- A person I met in 2009, her father had the name Donald Richard (Price). I have talked about her, but I’m in a state now where I’m doubting that any of it is anything, even though there has been frequency of resonant to meaningful things/words. My best friend growing up had a name of Richard Donald, and this person-This female has been hard for my mind to let go of, and her name is Donna Richele. But we never had a connection. I can’t say we did. I mean, sure we did, but, to claim it’s special, is unfair, to her. I tend to think I’m crazy, no matter what. Even if I have found connections, or resonance, or matches to things already close to me, or close to importance.

When I got to Copper Trace, the range in miles on my tank read 159. 159 is a number of Donna’s full name, if A=1, Z=26 (etc.). The first plate that I saw after leaving Copper Trace was on a Charger, and it said “CHRG IT”. Copper is found in electronics connections. Her hair is near this color, naturally.

I stopped at Whole Foods after, and I saw a female as I entered, walking toward the customer service desk, and then one female who seemed to have a crush on me, who used to work at the other store, said hi to me. I say she had a crush on me, because she seems interested to interact, and doesn’t seem to look for an end, or an out of the conversation. A song by The Jets, “Crush On You” began playing at the split, from talking to her. I noticed this, and hoped she didn’t notice, somewhat, how I moved when the music stopped/started.

I went to the line where the first girl that I saw when I walked in was working. I saw her name is Isis. She is the first Isis I have knowingly been that close to. I also have in the past associated Donna with Isis. Isis is an Egyptian goddess of, for one, rebirth, and is associated with the moon. Donna was born on the day of a solar eclipse. A full moon just passed. I just noticed that she-Donna got back on Facebook, not long ago (3/14?), after a long break. I had also just written about when she got off, just before. I don’t mean to stalk, but she reflects/She resonates. Or has seemed to. I keep confirming, or seemingly, confirming.

The girl who is always really friendly to me was there at the register as well. Isis is also friendly, and shows personality/seeks interaction. They hire people for that, though. I split (maybe a better word, I began to leave) from this as “So Alive” (Love and Rockets) began. Isis, when I saw her name, I thought of life. I thought of the connection to Osiris, and Horus, but I can’t remember specifics, except that there are themes of death, and rebirth.

I considered how I now had a new crush (Isis), as I went to another Whole Foods. The first one didn’t have the drinks I was going for. I just bought sardines there. The other one has the drinks I buy. There is also another female who I like there– Josie. She also pays special attention to me. She makes me smile. She’s goofy. Pretty. Also pretty young for me. She’s 21-22. Isis also seems very young. Not that I would really care, if I had my health. But I considered that I had a “new crush”, and then at that Whole Foods, Josie was in line I saw behind me, as I finished my order. She’s never been in line behind me. She was wearing her glasses. I smiled and waved at her.

Now I went back to the pharmacy and returned the returns and empty totes, and paperwork, and then I went down to Greenwood to pick up and deliver the medications for Richard Price. A nurse with the last name-Hartman signed. Hartman resonated, as Heart. One year after I had a kind of split with Donna, I thought I had a heart attack, and went to the hospital. It was food allergies. One year after that, when I went to work the day after that day (I took the day off and did nothing), I took (only) one order, for ‘Hart’. The year after that, my last living grandparent (grandmother) died. I had already associated her with my mother, through numbers, for one, and other ways as well. This is also the date of my first nieces (first child from my generation in our family) birthday.

It was this week, this past week, when I noticed Donna (Price) again– When I saw updated, new images of her, for the first time in at least a year or so. Now this weekend I had a special (extra, stat) order for Price, and after I received it, the numbers 159 at that stop, also numbers I associate with her. Then Isis…

The first stat order I had after noticing that she was back was for a person with the last name Cochran. This was the second.

i am troubled

Saturday, April 23rd, 2016

i know that that is basically why i’m here.

but i’m troubled over her. but is that fair, to her? i wouldn’t wish that for her.

i have a reaction to her. head over heels, and i go crazy.

but again, is that fair?

if she is aware, i wish she wasn’t. because i can’t do anything about it (right now).

the best thing i could have done is love, in regard to her. i tried. i got insecure, even if my intentions weren’t “selfish” or wrong. she’s taught me to let go of pretty much everything but her. almost sometimes her. sometimes it’s like i test that there is something that just masquerades as “her”, or uses her, as it uses the world. or i think (when i say, “i test”). but have no idea.

i don’t know if she is real. sometimes i’ve considered, when i’ve thought about things, that it seems more likely that people other than me don’t really even exist, and that i’m also not what i think i am. it just doesn’t make sense that they would, or that i would exist like this, i test…

but the mode of operation would remain love. that’s for me. and when i say i wish i could be forgotten, perhaps that’s self-sacrificial, but it’s still for me. because it’s hard to live like this.

i apologize if you see this.


Sunday, April 10th, 2016

In my dream- Where Donna was colorful, I read names of things that sounded scientific, that I thought were medicines that she was taking. Or minerals or herbs that functioned as medicines. For some reason, ‘Labradorite’, even though I can’t clearly remember reading this, stood out, or I thought of it. Labradorite is sometimes called Spectrolite, relating to the colors, called labradorescence.


Sunday, April 10th, 2016

i was writing before i left earlier to get almond butter. i said i hated that i didn’t know. yet, i felt driving that point in was kind of liberating. that i didn’t know. in my strong feelings, i reminded myself that i didn’t know, and that felt good somehow.

i was ‘paranoid’. i feel watched. i feel like things are directed sometimes. other times, no matter what has seemed to be, i don’t remember it or see it the same way. i watched a show about a stroke victim earlier today, and i related with her, how she explained how she felt. i think i have mental difficulties. but sometimes from nothing, or having that starting over, is good. i don’t know.

i left after writing. i found myself first behind a car with numbers 396TYY, or TTY. I recognized these as special, but I didn’t attach.

nearing my destination i found myself behind a car- A Toyota Matrix with a plate that read KNO3 C S. I thought about how I had written that I hate that I don’t know, passionately. KNO3 I saw the 3 was a rotated W-form. C S, like “sis”. Gnosis. That was the last car I was behind before I turned into the lot for Whole Foods, where I was going to get almond butter.

I had a left-arrow to turn, and an oncoming car started to turn as well, right. It wasn’t his turn. His headlight was out. I kind of shook my head. Almond symbolism is related to the eyes, with names meaning “watchful”. With the headlight out, I immediately thought of eyes–An eye out, like Odin, who sacrificed his eye to gain knowledge. Or Horus, although I’m not as familiar with that myth. Not to say I’m that familiar with Odin.

Inside the store, I saw a couple beyond some grapes, who looked southern European, perhaps. Their skin was a strange color. Darker, but different than other shades. I can’t explain it. I thought Czech-area (but this isn’t accurate). I could be wrong. They had a child- a baby with them. Almost toddler. I don’t know. He made eye contact with me, and just kept watching me. I smiled to him. Then I saw a guy with his parents, down an aisle, which would be where I would first go to get items. This guy’s hands were up in a “raptor” position, or like dinosaur that walks on two legs would carry them. He was handicapped. Slow. Retarded. I don’t know exactly he was. But that was where I first picked up items, after circling around to get there, as the way was blocked another way.

Before I went in, I got kind of angry with a driver that I thought was driving inconsiderately. I consider that people always have the right of way in parking lots. I watch for them. I try to. I often see other drivers just drive through, not stopping except where they absolutely have to, and often they go faster than I would like to see, or that I would. I saw one that made a woman stop in her tracks, waiting to cross the way between the store and the parking spaces. It angered me and I basically said that the driver didn’t deserve to be alive. Then I followed up and said I don’t deserve anything. I didn’t mean it negatively, absolutely, but I zeroed. I had parked facing a 226 plate. The car that angered me, that drove by, was also 226. I forget the letters. Ahead of me by the 226 was a 722 plate. 227 is a number related to Pi, as 22/7 is an approximation. I recognized it like this, and how close it was to 226, which had doubled in ways here. After, I followed 314 out of the lot, and followed it west for some time, until Naab road, when I was stopped at the red light, and it went on. I made a circle, somewhat, going to Michigan Road, simply driving, preparing to go somewhere else but I didn’t know where. When it came time to turn back the other direction, going East again, then on 79th Street (had been on 86th), a woman on the radio said the name Anna. The name Anna is associated with a code, that I haven’t really figured out yet, but have been shown it by people online, and they seem to use it, as certain proof of God, who they call Anna, or Ana (or variations of this name, but this, mostly). The code makes use of Pi, and 227, or the code has Pi and 227 in it, anagrams (ANA…). Next, this woman said Bella. Bell is also with this code. It was ‘instrumental’ in the finding of the code. When she said Bella, I hit a pot-hole.

I seem to see things that relate to that ‘code’, which is still a mystery to me. I have trouble comprehending it. I’ve tried, but I don’t think I’ve really tried enough. I would do better to learn in person from the person who discovered it–To be shown directly, and to stop him when I don’t understand something. Sometimes I question if it isn’t just so ambiguous that they can make it say generally anything. But I try to keep an open mind, and I have definitely found synchronicity with it, even while not understanding. So I don’t mean to say my question of it outweighs it. I have no idea. I simply have issues getting it. I’m not great at comprehending some things.

But I think they – People who do use this and seem to understand this code – Might miss some point of it. They have fractured. Many no longer communicate like they did, or they aren’t open to each other. There was accusation, and seemingly rejections by some. I wanted to remind them that the name, Anna, means (or may mean) grace. And grace may be forgiveness (or be related/with) . And nothing has really changed. It seems people fell into extremism.

… I have no idea.

I don’t get it.

I don’t know.


Tuesday, April 5th, 2016

I had dreams where she was in. They were very colorful, when she came into them. More color than I remember in dreams, usually. In the first one, I was with a guy, and a girl, who was his girlfriend, or friend. They were younger. I saw Donna somewhere, and this girl knew Donna. I knew of Donna, and this girl considered that we were friends. She was happy we knew each other. She didn’t know what had happened. I saw Donna, and she saw me, and she smiled, and I smiled. It was awkward. She said “I don’t want to be connected to you”, very stern. I told her “thank you”, and “I’m glad we got a chance to see each other, and for this to be said, clearly”, to some degree or another. It was kind of sad, however. I don’t think she meant never see her, or that she wants nothing to do with me. Perhaps she did, but I took it kind of personally, even if well. I walked away. Disappeared from her. She and the girl left, in the girls car, and the guy wondered what happened. I felt like I had messed up again. The alternative was that she wanted to be clear that this wasn’t some romantic reunion, because we were never really that, outside of a few potential moments. I don’t know.

The odd thing is that I woke up from this dream, and wrote some things down, and then made my way back to sleep in my bed (I had been on the love seat), and I dreamed of her again. Again there was so much color around her. I don’t mean around her, but where she was, there was color vision. Her eyes were bright, and I could see the color in her skin, and freckles, and her hair. There was just a life around her. She talked to my friend, Richard, much of the time. Richard is who has a name like hers, as Richard Donald, while she is Donna Richele. She had been taking medications, for something psychological. She had been somewhere. I kept circling. I was there, near, and then I was away, but not far. I wanted to know where she was, or preferred to, but I didn’t want to become attached, and I was afraid to be too close, because of how I have felt in the past, and perhaps, because I am too weak in my eyes to form a relationship of any sort with anyone, beyond business, and who is already my friend, and I may want more with her.

But I dreamed of her twice. I’m not sure why. I wasn’t especially thinking of her yesterday. It was however the first day I didn’t bring the rock/stone she let me take, with me, since Easter, as I often had it on me since then.

That night, last night/this morning, I received an extra order, for a Laura James, born 7/7/44. Laura, I associate with Laurel, and Laurel with Apollo, and she, Donna, I have associated with Artemis, but also Daphne, and others.

I don’t know.

It’s rare that I continue in the same dream. I know I was trying to impress her, and in doing so, rarely made an appearance, and perhaps constantly changed my appearance


Friday, April 1st, 2016