Archive for March, 2016

dream

Thursday, March 31st, 2016

before i woke up i was kissed by a girl, who then pointed to my mouth. she was somewhat disabled, although for some reason i kept thinking that it was just a temporary disability. i caught up with her on my way home from a grocery, and kept running into her. it was like the trip home was much longer. where i thought was home was the half way point, though that’s probably not accurate. she had something over her eyes. she could move under her own power, to a degree, and to prop herself up on this apparatus of sorts, but then she seemed to hang there, and move at low self-power. she was pretty. it looked like she could be athletic. her body did seem like it had taken a tole- in her face there was some puffiness. she was out of shape, like someone who had been injured, and lost physical activity. there seemed to be things obstructing her eyes, like it was hard for her to clean herself. but the outside seemed to put this layer on her in a matter of the small period of time in the trip. i cleaned her, and at one point put her head against my leg, to do so. the layers seemed like layers of skin, or chicken, actually. one could consider it gross, but i didn’t care. it was a take care of mode, not ugh mode. perhaps nurses get this. i had felt somewhat “hard” when i had first put her head against my leg, but that went away, thankfully, as a continued…erection, would have been awkward, given the current situation.

just before meeting her, i had been in a storm, of sorts. i myself was paralyzed, to a degree, like her, it seemed. i was on a river, making my way home. somehow, it seemed to propel me. there were strange vehicles around. other vehicles. driverless. the roads were rivers. it was flooding, but they also became like actual rocky rivers. one of the ‘vehicles’ had electrical…lightning flowing from it, and i was afraid it might electrify the water. i could lift my legs up enough. i just had no control over my direction.

i had been at a grocery, where i bought dates. i remember twice seemingly i was rung up for much less than i was expecting. but both times, the dates weren’t the kind i wanted. many seemed confused as we exited the building. a parking area was around the building, on at least four sides of it, and seemed to be multi leveled. i remember a guy on some part had a device, that seemed it may be musical. i don’t remember much more, other than he had a part in it- maybe recording something on it. but he seemed to work there, or was there longer than other shoppers. i remember i climbed through a window, once, and perhaps helped up a guy – or maybe he helped me up. i think i helped him through it. this was also arond the whole foods area. he said it had rice on it, the date.

i had been with an ex – katie. she had a baby. it was seemingly her first born, as i don’t remember another. she was also with her husband. but i was there. they had gone to bed, and i was in a room. i messed up a door, and the baby began to cry, so i picked him up, and he was wide awake. i thought he was cool. he seemed happy to be held. and i thought of him as an equal, but little, and felt his vulnerability, and dependence. i respected him. but i had to put him down, as i wanted to go. i guess i still have love for her, and sometimes a part of me considers her the one. but i can’t say this is absolutely exclusive. my dream just showed her to me. her husband was there, and i made sure to show respect for him, to not angle my body so that i was only facing katie. to make sure it was known that i was there in the capacity of a friend, and guest-visitor. i put him down in a small bed, beside his mother, and the father was across the room on another chair or couch, as she had laid there. the housing seemed temporary. between. vacation. it was inside a building, and there was a platform, that had broken off. her husband seemed to be an architect. he built this platform/extension. the top of it was like mirror. the building was wider at the top than the bottom, seemingly, and coming out of the side of a cliff face. high up the cliff face there were other structures. it became kind of a videogame, as i was in a helicopter, and dropped off my character near the top, like in grand theft auto 5- letting the chopper fall. but who i let out was someone else, who had just appeared/spawned in my chopper, and i was falling in the chopper, neglecting it’s controls. at some point i got in a plane, there. i tried that. that was more difficult to fly, and i hit trees. my breaking of the door seemed to translate into breaking of other things. and the mirror platform-extension from the building, like a giant porch coming out of it’s side, with support from the bottom level, the mirror seemed cracked. it was in a post on facebook, that came up like a “memory”. katie’s brother was standing on it. it was with a message of a synchronicity connected to eggshells, and was at the time of the original post, sometime in october, some years ago, forshadowing, or questioning if it was some kind of omen. i remember her husband doing some kind of dolphin move, that i thought was funny, although was a bit jealous of his mobility. he did it up to this platform.

my ex, sara, and jenn- a girl she is friends with, who was always quiet, but very pretty, and a dancer/cheerleader with her in high school, came to me, and had a message that they played- something about us all not being native, or immigrants, but it was actually a ‘conservative’ message, not favoring unbalanced immigration. they both spoke at the same exact time, the same words, as if choreographed, but they came to them independently.

i have lost the back-track, but at some point i seemed to take a test, while i meant to vote for bernie sanders, and the test was how i would treat an infant/toddler. basically if i wouldn’t kill them. that’s close to the beginning of the dream, although i seem to be missing some, i have a feeling. i began, in this memory, the dream taking a test how i would treat a baby, that asked me questions that were indirectly supposed to test me, by not being obvious as to how it was gauging. i thought i was going to register to vote, and vote at the same time. i ended the dream taking care of a girl, who then kissed me on the lips. both situations seemed to test me- if i would take advantage of the vulnerable. the girl wanted to make her way alone, although i could have still helped her. that she kissed me on my lips, and pointed to them, was strange. i didn’t push. i let her be as independent as she could. but perhaps she was like me, and simply not wanting to burden people.

demons of expectation

Sunday, March 20th, 2016

ego

feeling as if i am to perform to a certain level, not necessarily a level that is great, or something, but that I should enjoy, or desire, or like. sometimes i get this. like i need to like something. like because someone is attached to something, i need to value it.