Archive for February, 2016

See Jozie

Monday, February 1st, 2016

I began writing another account involving her. I might finish it later. She looks like an ex-girlfriend of mine- Sara. Jozie’s license plate on her White Taurus has numbers 899. She parks close to Kroger, in line with Verizon Wireless and Kroger. That is store number 998. At that Kroger, there is a white Taurus that looks like hers (often parked in front)- someone who works there right now, and the numbers and letters on the plate are 517ADD. Jozie looks like Sara, who is born 5/17. Or at least when I try to remember her sometimes that is the face that I see.

Today I saw her collecting carts when I went to Whole Foods- where she works. As I walked to the entrance, near where she was, a car drove by with numbers 517, and letters were JLT- JL I’m positive were in it, I think T was as well, as I think that I remember (I think) thinking light, as L to T LT. She asked me what I was up to- I said shopping, and asked “how” she was- and she said “working”.

Exiting, I saw her jeans through the glass in the other entryway- she was blocked by a sign. Jeans, black shirt. I walked to my car, and a guy came barreling through the lane in front of the store. His back-end was smashed in, as he pulled up to the stop-sign, and I walked behind him to my car. A little girl with her mother told her mom to look at the back end of the car. I think his plate number was 494. Or 464? Hmm.

The first car that I stopped behind on the road was then 494.

I was looking at Subarus, before I left, on the internet, and coming from 86th, back to Harcourt Rd, A Subaru was behind me, and in front of me. The one behind me followed me left/south down Harcourt before turning into St. Vincents Hospital-areas. At the next stop, I saw a woman preparing to turn out of Esther Ferraro- the lane for the front entrance of St. V. She was pretty. Her car was a luxurious Mercedes, Cherry Red. I was speaking with myself/angels about reward. How no matter what, we are in this process of processing. And like food is reward, so is our experience-that rewards us. And that no matter what, if I am to be around others, and involved in life, things will come to “reward” me. The woman made eye contact with me, several times. She looked to be in her late thirties or early 40s. I associated in the moment, my thoughts with being on reward, with the richness of her/her vehicle. And I also consider “reward” a prison, or “ward”, like a psych ward, or sectioning. I don’t know, but that’s how I’ve considered it. The thought first came to me when I was smoking cigarettes in 2007, speaking with myself/angels/demons. I went to roll one, and he said “reWARD yourself”. As in, I am not free. I am in this system- structure. I don’t know. The thoughts I had today were that I need to isolate- fast, go into the desert with little to no stimulation that is human, to not “consume” them. To not be a part of it, as sometimes, I also eat suffering, and death. Death is tied through me, as is life, through me (to me). But often, death, and injury, and weakness. I am insecure. Sometimes I wonder if if I were fixed, could the world be fixed… Or if the world were fixed, could I be fixed? Everything seems “fixed”, in other ways, too. My broken life is “fixed”. Their breaks are “fixed”.

Again, after the red Mercedes girl, another man comes barreling down the road. Another test of my judgment, perhaps. I’d be a bit of a hypocrite to judge.

Harcourt?

Har?

court?

When I sat in my space, in the car, reflecting on Jozie, and how I seem to be looking at my mind- in the world, I asked, “what is this?”- in a status-post on Facebook, and posted it. Immediately I looked up and saw a van park that said “Environmental Control”. They were here to reconnect the gutters.

I read an update by Chad Walker, he is the only person with this last name that I know– Walker. When I hit a deer, it was by a sign for a guy named Walker. I had been seeing things about “Walker” around that time. Chad’s father just had heart-bypass surgery. My car is done today.

Chad’s father- Mark, I noticed has many pictures of deer/himself with deer that he hunted.

Chad was the one person to knock me off of of my feet in life (literally), that I remember. He was on the basketball team, and I was a stunt-partner for cheer-leading. He leveled me- I didn’t know what hit me. He said he was sorry, but I understood- no problem. I wasn’t hurt.