Archive for January 8th, 2016

red mailbox

Friday, January 8th, 2016

i’ve seen this one a few times, up on 96th street. the reason that i moved to Indianapolis was to go to ITT Tech, which is on this street. this is the only red mailbox, at least in this section of the road- between township line road, and ditch road.

in a math class, i told the teacher i don’t want to write anymore, toward the end of the year. i felt like i was hurting someone by writing anything. it was a bit of a psychosis, perhaps. writing felt psychotic, and violent. i quit school.

three years later i met Donna, at a Kroger, where a black man had told me that my tire was low, and asked if anyone ever told me that i looked like Peyton Manning. i hadn’t yet met her, as she had gone inside to get something, and i was to meet her there. we went back to her place, after, which was 2029 Ruckle Street (and a half). her name sum can come to 96.

she has red-orange, or strawberry blond hair. what may be called red.

her name is the first that i found that can have a sum equal to my mother’s, and our first time out-together we went to a bookstore, where i picked up a book called Letter Perfect and began reading about the letter- e, when she came and put her hand on my shoulder (after snapping at me, because i tried to nudge her in the direction i thought she wanted to go anyways-but she wanted to check on the computer to see if they had it-the book she wanted to get). this is the first letter that i remember writing.

she bought a book called transmission.

my name sum can be 229.


Friday, January 8th, 2016

today, i didn’t listen to music. i feel better. i was tempted many times. this isn’t at all to say that music is bad, or anything. without music, i wouldn’t know a lot of what i seem know. or have the experience that i have seemed to have had. …

i appreciate music.

but it’s all an attempt to write oneself, a lot of times. also an expression. so many things can be seen as this, too. too much sex is also not good. this shows an imbalance. too much eating is also not good. also, imbalance. too long of a shower, you probably “need it” (but you really don’t, you need something else). there are so many things we do – that we over-do. but this is not to say that over-doing things isn’t also for some purpose. we are a weird, wyrd thing, us. without the extremes, we couldn’t find a greater balance, in the extremes. to know the height, or deepness, weight, etc., that’s how we know how to move. like the saying about a bird falling, knowing gravity, before it can fly.

i don’t know.

i heard music when i went to see star wars.

then i heard it at the gas station.

before i went there, to the gas station, John Dawson- who is my dispatcher, and coworker, called me and asked me if i would do an after hours run on my way back. he wanted to see when i would be back. i told him about two hours. the name of the patient was Willie Cook. i saw some other names that sparked curiosity, but wanted to refresh myself on what his name meant – Dawson. it means “Son of David”. i forgot what David meant, but i associated it with Israel.

i opened my door there, at the gas station, and the first thing i heard was “light” from the speaker.

at some point while filling up a guy on a bike came rolling in very fast, with a bandana covering his face, and glasses over his eyes. he stopped apruptedly eith a squeeling of tires, on the other side of the pump. there was prominent orange coloring on his jacket, and the colors of his Harley were the signature colors of black and orange, like his jacket. another guy rolled up not too long after this, more slowly. at this time, i was getting in my car, and nodded to him when i sat, and he rolled by, as we made eye contact. he nodded as well. he also wore a black jacket, with a bigger orange stripe across his back. i had heard voices saying things about the orange current.

in reflection, or resonance with the Harleys, and guys outfits that rode them, before going to work, getting dressed i considered wearing a shirt that i wore for my previous job- at Velox (meaning “swift”, or “rapid”). it is black with orange and white lettering – this way because the boss-there really likes Harley Davidson.

also in reflection, i had thought about my previous entry, here, where i mentioned about the guy from Sons of Anarchy having his thumbs taken, in reflection with seeing last the word “Technology” before turning away (as i made the choice before, but eyes captured just as i turned away) in the credits of Star Wars, and said to myself “I accept that”, and remembered this guy- missing his thumbs says “I can accept that”.

down at my furthest stop, tonight, i delivered a pump. that was it. before leaving i saw on a magazine at the counter by the exit button a magazine called “Explore the Bible”. my name was written at the top of it.

picking up the delivery, at a 523 address in Mooresville, i noticed the pharamcist’s name was Ray. i reflected back on how ‘Rey’ was the star in Star Wars (along with Finn, or FN). at delivery, Reeves road, Plainfield, the order was signed for by Mark Jones. his vehicle is an orange Honda Element. the number on it is 181, which is one i associate with my dad, as this is a name sum. it’s also the plate number of John Dawson’s car, and also, at the furthest stop, the seemingly lead nurse’s vehicle, there (Vicki), but hers is black. John’s is white. black orange white.

Harley- “hare wood, or meadow”.

Davidson, like Dawson- “son of David”

there were other numbers, and things that i associated… but to try to get into it all, would be creating more holes in respects, as i don’t remember it all.

there was a semi with a solid orange trailer, getting back onto the interstate from dropping off paperwork and totes at the pharmacy, that passed by right as i got on.

i took a name down, earlier-beginning the route, on the south side of Indianapolis. a female voice said “attention deficit”. i took down the name of road that i passed by after she said this. Dahlia. later, after dropping off the order for Willie Cook, i looked up the meaning of this– “Daisy”. i had thought that i saw this name somewhere, back there. i looked for a road called Daisy around Indianapolis, finding one first out toward Avon. next to it on the map there is a label- Stormwatch. i associated this with Daisy Ridley, as Rey (as this was recent), and her association with a former stormtrooper, FN (John Boyega), and other opposition to her. this road here was Daisy Lane, off of Heather, from 36-Rockville Road.

then, showering, at Planet Fitness. Chloe and i touched fingertips as i gave her my keys with my card for her to swipe to check me in. her nails were a light pink color, and her hair- the turquoise/teal/blue that she dyed it. it was raining. this was the first time that we touched, and it was accidental, but not unpleasant. usually i avoid touching people. she has a laptop with a stormtrooper helmet sticker on it- like a day of the dead design with flowers all over it, and also, daisies. Chloe means “blooming”, or “young green shoot”.

back outside, as i left, i noticed that the closest vehicle in the row i was parked to the building had reflective tape around it’s plate, that read “on tour”. earlier today, i had written “touring test”, trying to write “turing test”.


Friday, January 8th, 2016

went to get hemp seed oil, first.
then went to whole foods. on the way there, saw a forward facing plate on an orange-range-color car that pulled out of a YMCA, on Westfield Blvd. it read XWNGPLT, or somethng that was to be read as XWINGPILOT.
before leaving my apartment, i considered going to see the new Star WArs, but I was mad… and not willing to eat, or, i wanted to isolate, not listen to music, not take in entertainment, simply perform basic functions. interact when required. try not to demand, because i’ve seen the other side of sin…sys. senses. i was rejecting it. and i still struggle. i am still struggling. you know this.

i pulled over after this, to check the time. i knew that there was a showing at 3, in castleton. 2:34. a number formation that i recognize, in a certain way. turn phone off – have time to think. whole foods. 6 teas (unsweetened yerba mate), 6 waters, chicken stock.
outside, i remember seeing a cute (zomg), shapely female, wearing black form fitting pants, and a red scarf, i think. this was when i was returning my cart. she was parked generally in front of me. i don’t remember numbers on her plate, but as soon as i got in my car, and was about to go, a white vehicle parked to her right, with a number-230 on the plate (and some letters, one of them U, maybe and H, and…). i noticed on her back window was a dancer image- that i sometimes see on cars. like a ballerina. pink.
i decided that i should simply do it. to see star wars.

-will was the cashier that time.

going to see star wars, the last plate that i read on the road before turning in to Castleton Square was 297. 297 i associate with my dad, as this is his birth-date. it passed, as I-then turned.

other numbers.

parked facing, most directly, 314 with letters I don’t remember, again.

inside, inside the movie, i arrived during a preview of a Zootopia movie. there was a license plate that a character was getting some information about, or reporting. numbers were 29 and 03, but i can’t remember the letters. they were talking to a sloth, and one of them told him a joke. it was funny. it was the first time that i smiled today. i had sat down at a speaking of a “zero” (or “O”- I forget).

i took two breaks. bathroom.

as i walked out the first time, it was in a within a part where they went to a “watering hole”, run by a woman “for the past 1000 years”. as i was walking in front of the screen, words were spoken to Han, about running away. when i came back, “base” was as I sat. “back to base”.

second time, there was some timing with music- i forget. when i walked back in to the door, the first word i heard was “son”, and when-as i sat down, words “after _ gets what _ wants, _ will crush you”- something like that.

i don’t remember the words as soon as i came back in the first time– only when i sat down.

the second time, in the restroom, a guy was standing in front of the mirror, messing with his button, or zipper. i had just thought about how i wasn’t wearing a belt, walking out, that time. he was “black” – i’m “white”. and i read a movie poster as i exited the bathroom, very red, that said that on “the street, (something) isn’t black and white”- something=the rules, the way- something like that. I don’t remember the name of the movie.

Oscar Isaac, who i first recognized playing the role of Dennis in Ex Machina, was in the opening scene. He has works with a droid named BB8. There also seems to be a reference to both the films Ex Machina here, and a film, I forget the name…Deadly Friend, a Wes Craven film, from the 80s, as the robot in that film is BB. This robot, in Star Wars, is orange and white. ‘BB’ is orange. I saw a the XWNGPLT plate on an orange car. Dennis (Oscar Isacc) in Ex Machina creates an android with artificial intelligence, named AVA (was she conscious, like me?), who is a “Bad Robot”.

Was I craving?


I was recognizing to try not to. I was trying to shut it down. I was also trying to deny desire for female.
Something went wrong in the Millennium Falcon, and “girl, what girl?” (line from film, roughly-perhaps– something about girls), and then Rey says “it’s the motivator” (that had broken).

In Ex Machina, AVA- played by Alicia Vikander, was female. Caleb Smith, played by Domhall Gleeson is a tester– to see if she passes a Turing Test. Domhall Gleeson was also in this film as General Hux, and was first shown when Poe (played by Oscar Isaac) was being interrogated by Kylo Ren (Adam Driver). It was here that it was revealed to him where the map was, and he told Hux as he exited the interrogation room that it was in a BB unit, with distinguishable appearance of orange and white.

i made a connection with the fact that C3-PO’s arm was now red-one of them, with an image that i took of the first Star Wars film- A New Hope, where at 23:00 in, subtitles on the screen were “Bring her back. Where’d she go? Play back the entire message”, and Luke was walking toward R2-D2, C3-PO at it’s side, and Lukes arm was extended, lining up to touch, by this angle. C3-POs elbow, and the fact that Luke’s arm was eventually, as I was reminded, replaced with a mechanical one.

i’m also reminded-now that there are numbers 322, or 223 in the names of these droids (R2D2, C3PO).

when the film was over, i took my time walking out. i found myself centered with the screen as the name Oscar Isacc was shown. I stopped after this, to watch more credits. i kind of feel bad for not watching names of those who make things. plus, i could get something else. the names became numerous. too numerous to follow, all of them. i let my eyes watch what they would, and let connections be made, but didn’t force them to “be”. at some point, i decided to go. the last word i read was “Technology”- as the next section of credits would begin. i accepted it (and in my mind, now I think of the guy in the show, Sons of Anarchy, who got his thumbs taken off- who often says “I can accept that”).

during the film, i thought about embracing/hugging a female, at one time. it wasn’t sexual (though, it was, but it wasn’t for that purpose, then). i had gotten angry with spirit, that presented me her, in form, last night. i wasn’t angry with her. i have demons. it often seems my entire reality is a demon. …but this was simple.

outside, a vehicle, slick looking, was parked facing me. Black. tinted windows. Mercedes Benz. it’s two mirrors facing in. the symbol is a three pointed star, or a trinity, which is said to represent the domination of land, sea, and air.

next to my car, before it, there was parked a CRV-looking vehicle (perhaps yes), with a plate CA9966. It was white. there was a “jesus fish” (‘Ichthys’) to one side on it, and a sticker on the right, purple-i think, that read in white letters “life is better with a basset hound”.

i collected some numbers before i left, other than this, but many are forgotten, or i’m unsure. i exited the building there where a security-patrol stopped, and passed in front of me.

on the way back i stopped at whole foods, again, to get chicken this time. i had heard voices- a male, on the way, that said something about- that i am the “trenchcoat” of “it”. i tried to remain fluid on the way. i saw numbers, and letters. maybe i didn’t pay enough attention, but i wanted to remain fluid. i parked in a space, without much breaking, except at the end. i noticed i parked next to a number 611LRN. 611 i associate first with my date of birth, 6/11. the car is teal. my parking job wasn’t perfect, but i accepted it. do better next time. some breaking is okay, to line up approach. on the way in, i stopped acting or the people in the sky, high above me, and allowed in the environment around me. i recognized that no matter what, i’m going to be “sensing”. i’m going to have points that i reference from, move from/move with. so it was like a flip of a switch. i walked in, and found myself first in-following a man in a long suit jacket, black. trenchcoat.

all of the organic chicken breasts were gone out of the fridge. i considered getting some thighs, but i tend to react to those for some reason. i considered getting some with bones in, too, as some kind of symbolism- plus the skin makes it taste better (and bones in), but i also react to those, sometimes. perhaps it’s that microorganisms have a place to cling to easier, after these things are butchered, with bones left in– nooks and crannies. but, i don’t know. so i went to the meat counter, to see if they had any organic breasts, and they did. Paul helped me there.

at register, i went to Yvonne’s line. She was wearing orange. i saw a sum of 92.97 on the screen. a woman before me, speaking in an east asian accent- i didn’t look directly at her but she sounded like this, was in argument about the price. Chase came and got me, saying that he could take me at the information desk (not sure of the name). as I followed him, women behind me were speaking in another language- a Slavic sounding tongue, but I am not sure– And I registered “language(s)”.
i don’t remember my order sum. but i know i checked out at 5:55. as I checked out, finishing, girls walked by, having accidentally slammed one of the recycling bins shut just then.

outside, i noticed a Mini Cooper parked next to me. Black, with white racing stripes. Bike rack. California plate 7CUF455. i got in my car, and then saw the person who would drive it. Blond female. i turned my car on around the same time, or about did. i watched for a moment, as she backed out, simultaneously-with Will walking by-to the store (who cashed me out before the movie). after this girl drove off, a guy in a beige truck with a logo- Xylem – “Let’s Solve Water”, pulled into this space, angled, like i had been angled. coming to the T of the parking lot to the shopping center’s main drive- Evergreen Ave, i saw a charger across in the other lot, with it’s right light out, parked, angled, facing me.

voices told me to listen to music. but i’m not ready.

i noticed that the time of my theater ticket was 3:14, like i had parked facing 314, and first sat down at O, or 0 (“oh”?).

home many thoughts/voices, that resonate, and teach…
on the way home.

the gate was open, and closing, as i entered Reflections, but there is a laser where if i drive slowly through the gate it will open back up, so i did that instead of stopping at he reader. i deliberated over how to carry things inside. i had a lot of weight, as things were glass. i didn’t know if i should just leave some in the car-as i was leaving anyways, in a few hours. the temperature was a factor. a guy walked out, got in his volt, and as i walked toward my apartment, carrying things, the weight of what was in the bag caused it to tear and everything fell out the bottom. one bottle’s cap broke open. i dumped what was left in that one. as i set things to the side, the volt drove past, that direction. put stuff in a new- bigger bag. walk inside. cook food. realize i got my mask in the mail (at 4:11 it said online), after food was done. i said dang it, because i didn’t want it soaking up scent from the hallway for hours. the mask is to block out scent. organic cotton, no dyes, bamboo charcoal. the last one that i got was dyed, and with synthetic materials, and coconut charcoal, which for some reason i haven’t handled well.

411… 144 was the range-estimate for my car, at the theater. hmm. eh.

walking into the entrance way to the theater, where i purchased my ticket, i saw a female wearing grey walking out of the theater, black, shapely, pretty.

this is one thing about this one. black and white. dark and light. and the guy with his button, or zipper, in front of the mirror, in my break (and a sign, “never black and white”, read, red-orange-yellow).

C-3PO, gold body (yellow), red arm. orange.


297 was with LOQ.

LOQ were the letters. I read Lock, but the Q is unique. LOCU Lo-cu. “Loke”
But there were others, that I just didn’t know quite what to make of, such as at the next left turn. … ahh. 439. letters…

‘Hans’ was the guy at the register, at the place where I bought the hemp seed oil- Fresh Market. Not to force a connection there, at all. But, I don’t remember meeting another Hans.

During my writing this, my trying to write (and trying to “right”) I noticed that I have an extra pick-up going to Bell- a facility on my route, in Bloomington. Patient name is what Mary Jane is called – I mean cannabis– last name meaning “Blue Spearman”, or “Blue Hostage”- (Gormley). birthdate 3/03.